!

Mon, 19 May 2008 12:13:18 GMT

t-minus 6 hours until take off.

i feel like i'm going to barf a little.

as excited as i am, i'm filled with uncertainty. the unknown is a scary thing. i'm not sure we realized what a huge undertaking this was when the planning began. and i swear i'm going to forget something.

enough negativity...

this trip has been something i've been talking about, something i've been looking forward to, since i was about 15. now it's here. and i have to do everything in my power to make it everything i always thought it would be.

wish me luck.

Vanessa and i are going to make a travel blog, which i'm sure will only be written in by me. when we make it, i'll post the link here so everyone can follow along. i'm not sure how many photos will get posted, but there will be a zillion to show you all when we get home.

until then...

CIAO!!!

Fri, 09 May 2008 22:53:45 GMT

ohmygodohmygod!!!

Glan Hansard and Marketa Irglova are here September 20th!!!!!!!!

...and i'll actually be in the country for this one :)

i am tres tres exited :):):):):)

i leave in 9 DAYS!!!!!

this is nutts.

once again, Fiorito gets it right

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:40:23 GMT

TTC union deserves its black eye

Apr 28, 2008 04:30 AM

Joe Fiorito

I hope she isn't dead. Her name is Linda and she was very much alive on the weekend, checking my weekly ration of rice and beans and bagging my onions at the supermarket.

We were chatting idly, the way you do, and I asked her how she got to work that morning. She shrugged and said she hadn't known about the strike when she woke up, but her boss had called her at home and filled her in because he wanted to make sure she'd get to work on time.

So Linda rode her bike. She hadn't ridden for a while. She is a woman of a certain age. Riding a bike is an act of courage. But Linda had to get to work, so she dug it out and dusted it off and pedalled in.

I said that, because of the transit strike, there seemed to be a lot of people out and about in cars who hadn't been behind the wheel in a while.

Linda laughed and said there were also a lot of people who were wobbly on their bikes, and the roads were sort of dangerous. "I better not get killed on the way home," she said. "If I get killed, they'll be sorry." Ha, ha.

Where I live – north of the druggies, east of the rich, surrounded by dog-walkers, harassed by women with sport utility strollers – I'd be nuts not to rely on the TTC.

I use public transit as a matter of inclination, but I also have the luxury of being well-served. Seven minutes on foot from where I sit, I have the Dundas and College cars; nine minutes in the other direction are the Queen or King cars; three minutes away is the Lansdowne bus, which is the lousiest ride in the city but which, if I time it right, gets me to the Bloor line in no time flat.

An aside: I hate the Lansdowne bus because it is usually one of those split-level clunkers, and I can't climb up to the second level because of my bum knee.

Another aside: how would the quality of life in Scarborough improve if transit options were equally swift and generous? Given the high cost of running a car and the dullness you endure if you don't have one and your job is far away and all you have is the bus ... I rest my case.

Therein lies the strength of the transit union. Brothers and sisters, Linda and I need you just as much as you need us. Alas, you blundered. You should have hit the bricks at the end of the shift, not at midnight.

You did not hurt your masters. You hurt us.

You also blundered in not getting us on your side before you walked. We are working people, too. We understand the need for job security. You did not make your case to us. You stuck it in our eye.

I passed by the Queen St. car barns on the weekend, on my way home with the rice and beans. I saw no picket signs. Perhaps you could not bear to face the working people in my part of town.

You have the right to strike. We have the right to think you screwed up at our expense. And the province has the right to send you back to work.

Our mayor now looks like a tough, decisive leader. The leader of your union now looks like a goof. And in the days ahead, city council will debate the need to make transit an essential service.

Linda was right. You'll be sorry.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 22:43:54 GMT

i made a nametag at work that says DILLIGAF.
i'm hilarious.

i cannot wait until a customer asks me what it means.

DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?

ahahahahaha
aahhahahaha
aahahahahhahahaha
aahhahahahahahahhahaha
ahahahahaha
ahahahah
!!!

27 MORE DAYS UNTIL I AM THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:46:57 GMT

after being confined to the couch for 5 days, at the behest of a nasty flu, i have finally reached my boredom breaking point.

i'm going out.

for a year.

BYE.

for Jon

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:20:36 GMT

dude, you will love this:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 04:00:32 GMT

my fingers are tapping my keyboard as if they've got something to say. my brain isn't really following suit. text messaging this month is going to cost me a fortune. damn. i don't want to sit here and talk about politics, my views on them. talk about 'interesting' things. things that may make me look smart. no, i just want to talk. talk and feel. mostly feel i think. i wish i were better at getting feelings down in print. but maybe that's the thing about feelings. they can only be felt. explaining them seems like a disservice. it takes away their meaning. i miss the days when understanding didn't require words. it was just about feeling. as much as i like words, i like feelings way more. i do like when feelings can be expressed through words. but subtly. almost as if the words aren't really there. it makes me angry when words become more important than feeling. wait, no. that's not really what i mean. words are important. as important as feelings in some situations. sometimes it is about the words. but right now, it's about the feeling. no more words. i just want to feel. feel really deep. down. full. i feel, but i want to feel more. maybe i'm selfish. in fact, i am. but, i want what i want. and i'm not going to stop until i get it. is that what success is made of? i think maybe i'm too young to know. there is more. i just don't know how to make it into words. i just want you to feel it. feel me. i want something real. not you. but something. i am looking for that flow of energy. with anything or anyone. not just anyone. just something/someone who can feel it.

that's enough for tonight.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 17:19:02 GMT

Patrick started driving really fast, and just before we got to the tunnel, Sam stood up, and the wind turned her dress into ocean waves. When we hit the tunnel, all the sound got scooped up into a vacuum, and it was replaced by a song on the tape player. A beautiful song called "Landslide." When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing.

and in that moment, i swear we were infinite.

--PBW, pg. 39

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 23:42:24 GMT

i passed my G test and the flight is booked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything is coming up ~~Milhouse~~ Nicole!

now, if only this damn snow would stop ruining everything. jebus.

the details:

Depart: May 19, 2008
Toronto to Newark
Newark to Athens, Greece
Arrive: 10:20am May 20, 2008

Depart: August 13, 2008
Lisbon, Portugal to Newark
Newark to Toronto
Arrive: 4:36pm August 19, 2008

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED I'M GOING TO PEE MYSELF!!!

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 04:22:19 GMT

my friends say i've been in a much better mood lately. happier, they've said. i'm not sure i see what they mean. i don't know if i feel happier. most of the time, i'm not sure how i feel at all. the days seem to run into each other, and i don't feel i do anything worth remembering. it's a shitty way of living life, but i feel stuck.
i know i am far less stressed than i was. it feels good to not have to worry about stepping on toes, or offending someone at every turn. that's not who i am. not who i ever was. misinterpreted. the people in my life seem to understand me; love me. they are there for me no matter what. even driving to Norval to pick up my drunk ass. i really do have the best friends in the world. though, i was owed for the accompanied drive to Yonge and Lawrence in the snow storm on friday.
i think i've spent the last 4 or so years of my life defining myself by my relationships with men. i'm sick of doing that. i want to define myself by me. i'm just not sure how to go about doing that. sometimes i wish i had someone to talk to who could point me in the right direction. but i'm fairly certain that would defeat the purpose of me doing things on my own. i feel like i'm on a quest. but it's not an exciting one, like with fairies and other assorted magical beings. i need to make more fun out of this figuring things out. i need to expand my mind. my scope of the world. i feel like i need an epiphany. i feel like i'm on the cusp of one, i just can't quite get there. i want to push someone, and in turn have them push me. maybe i can't do this purely on my own. i also really want someone to hug me so tight i will have trouble breathing. crying almost makes me feel that way, strange as it may sound. i think sometimes crying is the only thing that makes me truly feel alive. that and David Gray. and Adele.

i wonder if punching someone would have the same emotional effect? someone punch me.
just to feel something.

"life in slow motion, somehow it don't feel real"

...

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:58:55 GMT

Horoscopes for Monday, February 25

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 — Dec. 21)

Your adventurous nature is constrained by this world of tedium. Good opportunities are about to present themselves. Embrace a future with much more excitement.

oooHhOHohOHOOOOOO!

sounds promising.

these things have been especially accurate lately...

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 20:56:15 GMT

it feels like today is the first time the sun has shone in months. i cannot recall the last time i didn't wake up tired. today seemed a little better. the chairs in my kitchen really aren't comfortable, but i can't seem to move. this is the only place in the house with windows large enough to allow a flood of light. maybe this is what i've been looking for. have you ever looked outside to see the sun reflected off of the untouched snow? it really is beautiful, but it's much warmer indoors.
i cried last night because i may have lost the only device containing physical evidence of how you felt about me. i think this upsets me more than the physical loss of you. i guess because you will always exist, but those feelings may not. i know i shouldn't need to have them. i'm going to give them up. as soon as i feel ready. it's bullshit that those feelings only exist in the form of text messages.

i feel like i'm not very good at anything. i'm good, but not great. i keep looking for things to fill me up; non-human things. i don't think that's what i need right now, but it's what seems to be constantly on my mind. maybe it's because i miss having someone in my life who thinks i'm amazing. i think i'm amazing, but it doesn't hold any weight unless someone else thinks it too?
?
it should, but right now, it doesn't.

i hate the word should. i'm shoulding my life away. i feel stagnant. i need a big change. and soon.
i need to become the person who pushes me. i have to become one. full.

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 19:23:42 GMT

it has come to my attention that no one reads this anymore. except...

but that's ok. i will write on.

i wonder, what does it take for a person to change? change their way of thinking, their way of understanding, their way of being? obviously, the answers to these questions would differ greatly among people. but is there even one common thread among human beings? one thing that would immediately bring about change? i'm not thinking so much of a disaster forcing a change, but something smaller; something so minute that it maybe not even be noticed. by anyone. ever. i suppose that answers my question.
but, can people ever really change? certainly we all grow and learn, thus changing our perceptions somewhat, but after a certain age, a certain time, does this stop happening? no matter how much we may try to resist, do we all become stagnant and set in our ways? and at that point do we simply search for those who can live with us in our current state, or, do we learn from those who were not so content with us, and realize that maybe the way we've always done things is not always the best way to do things. i guess that's why i ask what it might take. i suppose, like life in general, it's all a matter of choice. a person can chose to change, or they can chose not to. this all requires a heightened state of self awareness, which unfortunately i think a large number of people greatly lack. i'm beginning to believe that the only way to be truly happy in this life is to accept that we all cannot simply go along on our merry little ways, with little regard to the people in our lives. people will inevitably react and respond differently to a decision or an action made, and in order to keep relationships with family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever, concessions must be made in order to accommodate those other people. we all have a part in this. we all need to be aware of how our behaviour affects others. we all need to understand that it is not just the others who must change or concede, that we, ourselves, must too.
that being said, is there a point where this just cannot happen any longer? where two people just cannot concede to one another any more, unless risk losing themselves completely? yes, i suppose there is. but i also don't believe it's that simple. it's a whole host of factors that come together to make that decision. it may be that one person feels they have given in more than the other, and the other maybe feel the same about themselves. a middle ground cannot be made. battle after battle, the relationship breaks down, and neither person has the energy nor the desire to do what it takes to make it work. the hope is gone.
so, does love every really conquer all? i'd love to believe that, but right now, it really does seem hopeless. and i know it's over. we could not go on the way we were. and i do believe that in order to "change" we cannot be together, for what each of us needs the other to change, is something we need to have immediately. and because we cannot, we cannot. and who knows, we may realize sometime down the road that all along we were never right for each other; that we were blinded by passion. that we may never be right for each other, and so once again embark on the quest to find someone who is. but, what we had will never be forgotten. and i will never forget the first time you looked at me, because i saw right inside you. and that is something that should never be put out of mind.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 00:10:26 GMT

i am absolutely disgusted by the idea that a 10 month old puppy may be put down for escaping from it's owner's house. the dog, Rambo, is most likely a pit bull, or somethings of the like, and because of the ban against them that went into effect in 2005 here in Ontario, his birth is considered a crime, and he now faces death, while his owner faces possible fines and jail time. to begin, the ban is ridiculous. dogs should not be punished for bad behaviour; and certainly not entire breeds. their owners are the ones that should face charges should an incident occur. the ban basically claims that pit bulls are inherently violent, and a danger to humans, and so should no longer exist. let's put this into a more relatable context. destroying an entire breed of dog is like destroying an entire race of human beings. certain races and cultures, over time, have been considered "dangerous" by the ruling class, and because of this, horrible atrocities and crimes against humanity have occurred. of course, some dogs, much like people, are dangerous. but that is not to say that EVERY pit bull is going to be a threat to human lives, just like every single member of a given cultural group is not a wild murderer, just because a few might be. it is impossible to make those kinds of claims, either with animals or humans. and much like people, animals are socialized, especially when kept as pets, so, more often than not, their negative traits are learned; taught to them by their owners. this ban needs to be reversed, and stronger prosecution of owners should be the ban's replacement. i can't believe more people haven't fought this. and more disconcerning that the government of Ontario wasn't able to see the connection between this breed of dogs, and themselves as human beings. how would you like to be judged based on your race or cultural background, to the point where it is deemed you are too unsafe to remain living? is this not mostly what various races have been fighting over for centuries in different ways? something needs to be done about this.

the article is here in the Toronto Star.

on a completely unrelated note. you MUST see the movie Once. it is the most beautiful movie i have seen in a while. watch it. watch it nowww!!!

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 00:05:30 GMT

Nicole aime l'odeur des vêtements humides parfumés de citron.
Nicole n'aime pas faisant pousser ses sourcils dans la direction opposée de leur croissance.

i am quite obnoxious at times. i realize this, yet at the same time, i don't think it's so terrible a thing to have to be changed. maybe obnoxious is too childish an explanation for myself. sass, i think fits better. i think i am the definition of sass. a bit of a twat sometimes. in any case, what i'm trying to get at here is that i am mighty fond of my sass. indeed, very fond. many people are on the other side of that pond; not so fond of my sass. people, it seems, don't like to be sassed. no matter. i enjoy a great amount of sass on a regular basis. what would life be like without sass? my sass? boring indeed. i very much enjoy the idea that i drive people nutts. i'm a little crazy myself, you see.

i've been getting up at roughly 5am for a good 14 weeks now. 4 more days.

lisa is at the airport waiting for her plane to Australia. it's going to be weird not having her here.

this is what happens when i don't update for months. i make lists. or ramble incessantly.

i feel sort of stuck between two worlds. two people who both happen to be me. i'm in some sort of transitional period, and most of the time it seems like i don't really want to move forward. but there is that lingering voice that tells me it's time. i just have to do it on my own terms, and by my own accord. i don't like being told what to do. and i'm way smarter than i look. pushing only makes me retreat. and i'm fairly certain that is not the intention, just like it's never my intention. but, i need space. space to be free. to be myself; in any incarnation. i don't like restraints. they make me go crazy and start talking about wanting to purchase a pogo stick so i can jump really high in the air. i know i've mentioned this before. i really do want one.

birds can fly so high and they can shit on your head, they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared, but when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful, that's how i feel about you

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 00:19:37 GMT

today
the greatest band to have ever made music on this earth played the most anticipated concert in history.
please
please tour.

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 23:24:04 GMT

been a while.
lots going on.
let's try to explain.

utter boredom punctuated by constant fits of insanity, and a heart so full of love it's about to burst.
either rain or snow. one or the other. or none at all.
many people are Scorpios or Sagittarius'. tis a busy birthday time of year.
mine is in 10 days :)
concerts galore. stars tomorrow. digging the new album. don't care what the reviews say.
David Gray on Sunday.
what a beautiful week.
where can i acquire a pogo stick?
learning how to cook.
learning.
working on being happy everyday.
complaining everyday.
i think i'll have a glass of wine.
Montecillo?
friends.
<3

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 22:27:52 GMT

i've got that restless feeling again.
the urge to run down the street and hope to take off into the sky.
i wish what was possible in my head was possible on land.

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:26:50 GMT

for now,

i'm just happy to listen to Damien Rice and smile.
what a story.
how much do i want to scream it to the world

lalalala

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 06:50:38 GMT

tonight, i will cry my last tears for you.

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 23:17:07 GMT

i just finished reading an article called "Top 5 Things Every Extrovert Should Know About Introverts" by Brian Kim. i gather, from my literally 15 second scan of his web page, is that he is some kind of self help author/blogger/guy. the title of the article intrigued me since i, like every other human being, enjoy categorization. i wanted to know which of these two titles i hold. introvert, or extrovert? i have always figured myself to be more of an extrovert, given my unwavering ability to call attention to myself. or rather, simply the fact that i am exceptionally loud, and generally cannot keep my mouth shut. i think most of the people who know me would agree that i am anything but an introvert. but while reading over this article i discovered that i don't fully fit into either category. Kim suggests that "Introverts tend to dislike small talk", and i found myself agreeing with this statement in accordance with my personality. i absolutely despise mindless chit-chat just to fill dead air. i'd rather nothing at all be said, than have someone talk my ear off about things that don't have any resonance.

the article goes on to discuss the socializing of introverts. Kim claims, "Introverts love anything that involves deep conversation. They get energized by discussing subjects that are important to them and they love see what and how other people think, to connect the dots, to dig deep, to find root causes, to use logical thinking via debate in conversation, etc." i find that i do enjoy conversation over a rowdy night out. but not always. there are times when the last thing i want to do is talk, or hear anyone else's opinion on any given subject. but i definitely need time for myself. after a whole weekend running around the city last weekend, i couldn't wait to get home and spend a little quality time with my music and my computer. ha. but at that very same time, i would have loved to have had someone to relax with. i miss those lazy Sunday afternoons.

i wonder if the complications of people, and life in general, are not so much complications at all, but rather an utter simplicity that we, as a species, just cannot grasp. i don't fit these categories. no one does. i wish sometimes that labels could be affixed as easily as this, so making sense of people and their actions were simpler. i constantly long for answers. perhaps if we all were able to know ourselves better, answers would become more readily available.

i guess having this blog makes me an extrovert? that or i have some insatiable need to air my dirty laundry. or just slightly smelly laundry...

if you want to read the article, check it out here:

http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 22:05:23 GMT

horoscope for Monday, October 1

Sagittarius:
Love is wonderful, but so is chocolate. It's also less complicated and you can always get more. If you still prefer love, there is hope. The stars portend an upturn in your fortunes.

:)

though, i think, for now, i'll stick to chocolate.

i will try to resist the urge to gush

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 00:44:05 GMT

i am absolutely addicted (yes, yes, my name, how clever) to Basia Bulat. i literally have not listened to anything else (voluntarily) since Saturday. at sort of the last minute, after a very yummy dinner of butter chicken and lamb vindaloo, we decided to head over to the Music Gallery for Baisa's cd release party. having not heard anything by her, and really only checking out the show because she's cute, we wandered in around 8:45, to a very lightly populated little Anglican church. by the time Wayne Petti, lead singer of folk outfit Cuff the Duke, took the stage sometime after 9, the tiny church was busting at the seams. Petti played a somewhat short set of only 6 or 7 songs before opening up the stage to Bulat and her seven piece band. as soon as the seemingly bashful Bulat took the stage, the audience erruped into appluse. you could just feel that this show was going to be magic.
and it was.
Bulat played all 13 songs from her new album, Oh, My Darling, allowing each and every one to fill the church and audience alike with a sense of beautiful disaster. emotion oozed from Bulat and her band of old friends and family. i have to admit, i got a little light headed. course, that could have been from the lack of air conditioning in the kitchen sized church occupied by over 60 people. but it really was something. i haven't felt like that since the first time i saw Damien Rice at the Danforth Music Hall. i was happy to have had the foresight to pick up Basia's album before she went on stage, because there was no getting anywhere after the set had finished.
and as we squeezed through the throngs of people just trying to get their hands on a piece of the night's magic, the heat dissipated, giving way to the cool fall air, leaving us to remember this beautiful night with the people who matter most.
thank you for coming with me. it means the world.

but yes, i have found a new love and obsession. i once said i ought to move away from female singer/songwriters, but how can i when they are so amazing? i cannot.

you really have to see her live. but check out her myspace for now.
http://www.myspace.com/basiamyspace

isn't she so cute!?!
love.

I touched the ink on my paper,
a permanent scar i'm gonna carry forever to remember your arms
and though your eyes were December when you had June in your heart

and now your hands are so restless,
I never knew how you felt
and now i'm crossing my fingers, cause nothing else helps,
and I don't want to forget you but I can't help myself

I want to hang on even though you're gone
and it wont be long 'til winter's gone again

oh, oh, I want to hang on even though you're gone
and it wont be long 'til winter's gone again

to you.

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:58:04 GMT

it's the words that matter.

just shake because you love
cry because you care
feel 'cause you're alive
sleep because you're tired
shake because you love
bleed 'cause you got hurt
die because you lived

--elisa

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 01:25:09 GMT

KT Tunstall (aka. my love)'s new album, Drastic Fantastic, came out today! it's quite a step from her last two albums. i can't decide if it's a step forward or back. and i don't mean that in a negative way. Drastic Fantastic is a much more rock based record; KT seeming to leave her more pop based melodies in the dust. she has grown on this record, in that the songs don't have that same broken-heart theme. maybe she's been able to move past the people who have hurt her. a lot of the tracks speak more to lessons learned rather than feelings being felt. there's not as much of an in-the-moment feeling with this record.
having said that, the interaction of the instruments on this record is much more intricate, KT taking the reins of lead guitar. there are a lot of different sounds going on in any of the 11 songs. my short listed favourites include: Hopeless, Beauty of Uncertainty and Paper Aeroplane. i love KT, but sometimes her music takes some getting used to. yes, even for me. but it always grows; flourishes really.

i actually went to buy the album today. i can't even remember the last time i bought a record. i feel so horrible saying that. i promise to start giving musicians their dues...in the form of money.

check out the album. legally. i'll send it to you.

<3 KT FOREVER